Dear diary.

I don't know if there's a more eloquent way to say it, so I feel like a blob. I don't even have much going on, but I feel like I just need to stop and go away. It's so lame to say that you want to go 'find yourself' but for the first moment in my life I think I actually understand what it feels like to need that. How much longer can I float around in limbo until I get sick of myself [note: already happened]. I hate that I exude this wishywashyness, and I want to be grounded in who I am. [I know, I know. It's really cheesy. But just, bear with me.] I need to interact with people who know who they are, and maybe then it'll rub off on me a little bit. Too many people I know are too content with just getting by, but I cannot do it. I cannot just float through school like a ghost, not getting any joy out of it, or continue to go to this meaningless job where I don't serve any purpose and people just constantly talk down to me. I want to make things for myself. But I don't know what or how or why and I just want to explode from all this stress. I feel so stressed out. All the time. In traffic. In my house. On the computer. Waiting for class to end. Procrastinating on essays.

Ugh, and I'm so irritated by how sappy and spineless this all is. Hemingway would be very disappointed in me. I mean. I'm also not a man so he wouldn't give a shit either way. Also he's dead literary figure, so that's also irrelevant. Blah.

What to do.

Alright. After the pig-out fest that was this weekend, I'm allowing myself THREE more mini donuts this morning and theN I'm going to stop eating junk. And start working out. Also I'm going to learn how to crochet so I can make those cute plushie amigurumi dolls. And I'm going to learn how to program skins onto my desktop. And I'm totally going to write my paper that's due tomorrow which I forgot about a little bit. So it is written, and so it shall be. [Right?]

This video describes how fun and creative I want my whole life to be.

I had a feeling for a moment, but it was much more fleeting than I had anticipated so, I don't know what exactly to compose.
I would go to clubs if they were all jazz clubs.
I've spent my first day off in a million playing Pokemon Black. I want to be a trainer when I grow up.
There's a beer in my fridge and I would like to drink it.
Wow, this is the most uninspired block of text in the history of time.
But I can't help it, I've got nothing to say but a need to speak.

In the midst of a research paper breakdown

Or, how Alex is completely avoiding the writing process.
Research papers are so hum-drum, and so drained of emotion and creativity so I can't bring myself to actually sit down and git 'er done. This one is actually supposed to be on "passionate topics" aka human rights violations but, dear L O R D. I feel it would be a better use of my time to sit here and look at inspiration things. [Inspiration thing of the moment: Yoshitaka Amano. He did the concept art for most of the Final Fantasy games, and his work is so ethereal and wonderful. Ps, I decided recently that I want to learn to draw/paint/art! Just for my own (doodling) benefit.]

The worst part is that I know I will, eventually, soon, have to sit and start typing my life away to parenthetical citations. 11:19PM is soon going to turn into 2AM and I do really want to sleep eventually. Just not now, because The Holiday is on tv.

Also, I want to beat Super Meat Boy. And play other games. And bake cupcakes. And plan birthday's that are coming up in two days. And do arts and crafts. And. Etc.

Okay fine. I guess I'll actually go type something that's beneficial to my future..in a bit.

Tea, anyone?

Everyone else is doing amazing things and I'm just sitting on my bed watching tv. I can't even will myself to get up and do the mundane and necessary things. I've been singing the same tune for quite some time now, does this ever change?

Such good feelings, and I don't want to spoil it with words! Hard to say things to people without ruining the *~~^m A g I c^~~*. I want to decorate a house. I want to live on the little island that Kiki lives on. I want my essay to be over and done with. I want to go to the beach tomorrow.