Dear diary.

I don't know if there's a more eloquent way to say it, so I feel like a blob. I don't even have much going on, but I feel like I just need to stop and go away. It's so lame to say that you want to go 'find yourself' but for the first moment in my life I think I actually understand what it feels like to need that. How much longer can I float around in limbo until I get sick of myself [note: already happened]. I hate that I exude this wishywashyness, and I want to be grounded in who I am. [I know, I know. It's really cheesy. But just, bear with me.] I need to interact with people who know who they are, and maybe then it'll rub off on me a little bit. Too many people I know are too content with just getting by, but I cannot do it. I cannot just float through school like a ghost, not getting any joy out of it, or continue to go to this meaningless job where I don't serve any purpose and people just constantly talk down to me. I want to make things for myself. But I don't know what or how or why and I just want to explode from all this stress. I feel so stressed out. All the time. In traffic. In my house. On the computer. Waiting for class to end. Procrastinating on essays.

Ugh, and I'm so irritated by how sappy and spineless this all is. Hemingway would be very disappointed in me. I mean. I'm also not a man so he wouldn't give a shit either way. Also he's dead literary figure, so that's also irrelevant. Blah.

What to do.

Things that make no sense to me.

I always admire people who can retain a positive attitude about life regardless of what happens. It's really such a simple philosophy to just not worry so much, and not to take everything to heart. And I find myself thinking, "Hey, yeah! You're right random tumblr post/Facebook status! I'm just going to be happy!"

And then I get my third parking ticket in two months.

HOW IS ANYONE SUPPOSED TO KEEP UP THIS WHOLE POSITIVE ENERGY THING WHEN THINGS LIKE PARKING TICKETS EXIST? And the thing is, I know people who wouldn't let this piss them off. What in the FUCK is the secret to life? How am I supposed to lead a life where things don't irritate me and I'm not so obsessed with the way the universe is treating me? But you know, maybe all these happy people are just a facade of the person that is actually hiding underneath that vomit-inducing smile? Maybe everyone is just as negative and cynical, it's just that some of us are better actors.

Man, fuck this bullshit. I kind of just want to be happy for more than twenty seconds. Thanks, universe.