GAME BREAK.

Oh hai, universe. Taking a break from Plasmids [well, technically third break. First to watch Star Wars, second to visit mon ami] to blog and whatnot. Point number one. Halloween. I'm so into Halloween right now, probably because it's October 6th and I haven't gotten any kind of scary dosage. Ps, I hate scary things. I always think that I like them until it's 1 AM and I'm driving home alone and can't stop thinking about the demon zombie I'm sure is hiding in my backseat. But apart from all that, I've been-a stressin' about a costume. And thus, I reached my epiphany today while watching Star Wars. Why not a stromtrooper? The only problem with this plan is that it's going to be a tad hard to pull off. Since I'm not rich/couldn't exactly get myself to wear a full-on costume and helmet all day, I'll have to come up with something more girly. But by more girly I don't exactly want to go for that skanky, bare-midriff fantasy girl. BAH. I'm excited to finally figure something out..but I don't quite know where to begin. How did I just write two paragraphs about an idea I don't even really have yet? Ho well. Ps, I miss choir? Or I miss singing. Or dancing. Or just doing something I was actually good at/am no longer good at because I haven't done it in forever. Blast. I should probably do my Philosophy homework right now. [Bahaha, aka I'm going to be doing it tomorrow, an hour before my class.] On the ps..what do people usually wear when it rains?

This is gibberish, don't even pretend.

I'm in a funk tonight. Yesterday evening I couldn't sleep so I baked some apple cinnamon muffins. Tonight I can't sleep so I think I'm going to play some Final Fantasy VII. I don't know why I ate a Chipotle burrito when I wasn't even hungry to begin with. Why do I do things like that? I wish body weight wasn't such an issue with me. I feel like insecurities overshadow me as a human, especially when all I do is talk about them all the time. Or blog about them. Or whatever. Today, I feel really cheesy and I want to do really really really stupid things like cuddle and like, hold hands or whatever. The feeling will pass in a moment, but for the moment..I'm uncomfortable. Hm. I want to work out for a week straight, go to the beach, and call it a day. And order a Big Sleep from McDonald's. ALSO, I fucking went to purchase my Harry Potter ticket and they're all sold out. What the fuck is this nonsense, I have to go. Gargh. Wait, and the time that I needed a job still exists. And that time is right now. Also, you. You you you you you, if you could take the nearest exit out of my brain, I would really be thankful. Maybe I'd even give you an apple cinnamon muffin. Who knows. Le fin.

I have a library book to return. The format of the post below me is completely messed up and it's going to bother me for a while but I don't really feel like taking the three seconds to fix it. My birthday is in T-minus two days and I am calmly freaking the fuck out. Somewhere around your sixteenth birthday you realize how fast time is moving and how your mother used to be sixteen once, and how you'll be forty one day. I get into such dramatically sad moments for absolutely no reason. Note, that this moments always occur on days where I've been home all day. Apparently, being bored and stuck in my room warrants me to act out original scenes that should have been in 1960's romances. (Also note, that I do find myself watching romantic, classic movies on these days.) I have the need to be surrounded by the few people I care about day in and day out. Isn't it weird how we can so openly accept the flaws and mistakes of some people without even the slightest complaint? Or, honestly, without even realizing anything bad happened. And I'm not talking about flaws that can hurt you or anything, like someone being mean or ignoring you and you still accepting them. I don't know. Most people irritate me in the most absurd ways, so it's kind of weird how I managed to find even one person who I can thoroughly enjoy 100% of the time. Urgghh what does any of that mean. Birthdays make me depressed, sad face. Meeeep. Or the universe can be really great and send me exactly what I just needed. Blah.

Everyday, I am a new person. Everyday, I am another caricature of a voice inside my brain. I perceive everything around me as if I were reading it in a book, everything is a string of sentences. Lately, I want to know what medium everyone around me uses to describe the world and objects around them. Or, I just want to have a new conversation with new people. Reading through three year old blog posts (oh, goodness, how has is it been three years?) makes me feel a little happier than I am. Everything always seems so desperate and miserable until you realize how far you've actually come. I remember reading diary entries from my 14-year-old self when I was 18, and realizing how far I'd actually come from the cripplingly insecure girl. I still feel as if I'm so lost and so far away from any kind of stability, but the truth of the matter is that I have a lot of exciting things ahead of me, maybe in my grasp. Everything is a jumbled mess of great and awful at the moment, and thus I have remained in a stagnant land of mushed feelings, but it'll be okay. As of now, I want to be sitting in a dark cafe somewhere listening to jazz. I want to sip on scotch and hear the emotions of a piano and a sax and what have you.

Such an odd and numb feeling of melancholy. I'm not feeling hide-under-the-covers-in-the-dark-cry-all-day sad. I am feeling don't get out of bed, ignore all school related responsibility and watch Amelie sad. I don't know how to interpret this. I want to take it back. Half of me knows that this is the right thing and that this won't work out right now. The other half is remembering all the nice things and the plans that never happened and..ugh, the possessiveness is taking over. I don't know. Things are weird. I was in a peak a few weeks ago, but it seems I have descended onto the valley again.

You already know.

Well, hello stranger. I believe it's time again for me to confront my staleness. I am so unbelievably, undeniably BORED BORED BORED. With quite literally everything. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, October, December, what's the difference? I wish I could gain in backbone what I have in cowardice. Okay, maybe that's the wrong word. Maybe it's laziness. Or maybe it's extreme insecurity. I want to be the person that I am in my head, in the quiet of 3AM.

I wrote an enormously superficial list of clothing/makeup/etc. items that I felt I was missing in my life. I haven't done that in what seems like centuries. I know it's nonsense, but it made me feel good. I miss dressing up and bringing excitement into my life through a wardrobe. There was a point where I got so caught up in not wanting to be involved in the fashion industry that I forgot why I loved it, why it's the most perfect form of self-expression.

Next on the list of becoming. How do I go about inserting myself into the world of video games? I get so anxious and antsy watching and reading other people divulge their opinions, I just want to have my voice out there too. I guess step one would be to stop writing diary entries and start an actual blog. Side note, but just as important as everything else: Not having a journal in my house at the moment is driving me insane. I have a constant itch to put pen to paper. Gah. Somebody journal me, stat. What was my point? Oh, right. Stop being such an infant and put yourself out there. Alright.

I'm also ready to go to Japan. I have absolutely (ABSOLUTELY) no desire to pick up another boring and mindless part time job, but if it will fund the number one thing that I want to do..I guess it should be worth it. God, I'm so whiny.

Existential crisis, I will defeat thee!

Well. Adieu for now. Happy trails.

Spirit Stimulants

Or, things that allow me to forget I'm human.

Songs of this genre. (This is just what my Bardot Pandora was playing at the moment.)

Most Miyzaki. Specifically Kiki and Howl.

Any and all quotes from this book.

It's just the best feeling! And so hard to describe. A sweet melancholy. Only to be experienced while laying motionless, alone, in a room. (Reserved for the day after sadness)

I wish I felt like resizing that giant image.